Visceralist Review: Waka Flocka Flame - "Flockaveli"

What Pitchfork said.

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 2

Look at this fucking worthless piece of shit.

Visceralist at CMJ 2010 - Night 1

Das Racist at Pianos 10/19/10.

Video: The Room (Dubstep Remix)

Oh, hi Mark.

Loreley

7 Rivington St. (btw Bowery & Chrystie)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 253-7077

Bathroom situation - 2 single-use rooms on the right just before you reach the hostess' stand [ed. damn, why's it gotta be a hostESS? Huh? Fuckin' better watch it with that chauvinist bullshit 'round here]. Guys, make sure you put the seat down when you're done, goddammit! How many times do you have to be told!?
Takes credit cards? - yeah, and btw why does Chase have the most pointless Rewards Points program out of all of them? These points don't do shit for you...like the Door Close button on an elevator.
Crowded on weekends? - shit, like Visceralist would know. Nobody goes to places with addresses on the weekends anymore. The fuck outta here with that bullshit...
Seating - 8-10 stools at the bar in front, 4 high-top tables in front too. A gang of biergarten-style tables in the wait-service area in back and a small outdoor backyard. Plenty to go around, so put your butt on something!!
Neighborhood - right in the midst of downtown Manhattan's restaurant supply store rainforest. Generally no problem catching a cab on Bowery tho, so no need for the machete [ed. smh, extending that metaphor was a nah-nah].
Pretentious/assholes - yeah, you'll likely find some Chads & Beckys here who breathed a sigh of relief when they read about Shepard Fairey's, like, fave spots in NYC, cuz it's like an official co-sign that, yes, they have been going to the right downtown "Spots" all these years. *fist bump*
Cost of Stella - they don't have it here, but holy hell, why didn't anyone ever tell Visceralist about this heavenly pilsner they call Radeberger?! Peace, Stella. You will always be forgotten.
What time people start showing up - dinnertime most nights....if it's a weekend night, they'll stick around til late night...if not, deuces.
Bartender efficiency - the dude here the other night was a bit ditsy, but otherwise reasonably apt. He accidentally knocked his iPod (aka the evening's DJ/Jukebox) on the ground, but it's a good thing most Apple products are totally shatter-resis...ohh...
Official Website - here. As NYC bar sites go, it's wayyyy ahead of the pack, but shit, is it really this hard for bars (or any company, really) to actually put some effort into its Web 2.0 presence? Web 3.0 is coming, kids, and it's 'bout to be a cold winter for some of y'all....#generalizedshotsfired.
Food? How late - some of us here at Visceralist were fed sauerkraut as kids in day-care (i.e. at roughly 6 years old). That shit'll stay with you...
TVs? What's on - one or two above the bar in front. Mostly showing Premiere League shit, which is so "Really?!" that it's as played-out and obvious as SNL's "Really?!" Weekend Update shit has become.
Guy:girl ratio - who really pays attention to this shit anymore....
Toys - they have a downstairs lounge area for private parties, but Yelp says that the Loreley staff stays droppin' the ball like Brett Favre's recently-became-a-grandfather ass when it comes to coordinating logistics for downstairs private parties, so beware.
Age of clientele - mostly the age that really [ed. REALLY] should be planning on voting in the upcoming midterms, but really [ed. REALLY] won't.
Space for dancing? - maybe downstairs? Not sure, they lost Visceralist's reservation...then! acted like Visceralist was at fault. Now, Visceralist was at fault, but you don't have to modulate your voice to the point where all our friends who were standing around can actually hear you explaining exactly how we Brett Favre'd that night up. Damn, couldn't you see that we were trying to get with that one chick in the scarf that night? Sheeit.
Music medium, style & volume - bartender's iPod (like the old one that holds like 250 gigs or whatever...damn, they still make those? Bartenders that have those, we mean).
Specials or most popular drink - prolly some kind of beer or something.


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Video: Yelawolf Live at Morrison Gallery

10/11/10 - Fader 70 Release Party

Clandestino

35 Canal St. (btw Essex & Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 475-5505

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex powda rooms in the back and to the right. One has a sliding door that is apparently super seriously difficult to lock [ed. apologies for bustin' in like that the other night...we didn't see anything we haven't seen before, promise].
Takes credit cards? - oui, bien sur, mon frere.
Crowded on weekends? - any chance the hipsters-in-basketball-jerseys thing will come back next summer now that the NYTimes has published an article about it? The $7 Visceralist recently spent on a Jordan 23 Wizards jersey really hopes so.
Seating - seats for days. Like, summer days. Like, if you can't find something here to hold your ass roughly 2.5-3.5 feet off the ground, you're just being a hater.
Neighborhood - the gentrifyin' part of Chinatown. FYI, the late-nite buses go every whicha-way 'round here...so make sure your phone has some GPS up in its guts.
Pretentious/assholes - if there are any fuckin' cunts here, they hide it like they're playing hide-n-seek in an old vacant lot and they chose the old broken-down fridge as their spot cuz their parents and/or school never showed them that one PSA video with the anthropomorphic bears.
Cost of Stella - $6...bottles only.
What time people start showing up - oh, and they will show up whenever. If you know someone who knows someone here, you can come by after all the other bars close...
Bartender efficiency - last time Visceralist was here, some asshole was buying drinks for us, so you'd have to ask his bitch-ass.
Official Website - here. Spartan, out-of-date, and considering this place is allegedly a wine bar, could seriously use a list of drinks on offer, but whatevers.
Food? How late - you saw how the Heat roasted the Pistons last night like they were some damn pigs on a spit?! Oooooh, it's finna be a hot winter.
TVs? What's on - deuces!
Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist has seen some dudes here in untucked button-ups so keep your guard up, ladies and don't fall for the okey-doke.
Toys - one of the bathrooms has a sliding door.
Age of clientele - the wise-beyond-their-years set. Now, Visceralist knows that phrase is usually some ol' bullshit that overweight and ugly writers latch onto when they're under deadline, but we actually really mean it...like rilly tho. Like forealdo.
Space for dancing? - not with all the seats, unfortch!
Music medium, style & volume - can't remember, but next time we're here, we'll record it on our iPhone's voice-recorder app and upload it here as an update [ed. now you know good and well you will never do that...why must you lie to these nice people so?]
Specials or most popular drink - something called the Clandestino Rose.

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