Mulholland's

312 Grand Street (btw Havemayer & Roebling)

Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 486-3473

Bathroom situation - 1 M & 1 W in the back and downstairs, both of which are perfectly adequate. There is also, however, a semi-hidden single-person room at the top of the steps that's roomy as a smooth pair of sweatpants. Plus, because the door blends into the wall so seamlessly, it goes unnoticed and is often empty. Careful though, cuz the slot-sliding lock is as finicky as a kitten in an ill-fitting pumpkin costume. Just make sure to push the lock alllll the way in...and push it real good.
Takes credit cards? - yes, and if you're nice to the bartenders they may even see their way clear to "forget" that third pitcher, Drunky McGoo. Now get outta here and impress someone with your wit, you suave so-and-so, you!
Crowded on weekends? - depends on how late in the season it is and whether or not the Big Ten's been beastin' on 'em.
Seating - a whole heap o' seats. If you can't find a seat here, you have failed at life.
Neighborhood - the borderline between "scary" Wburg & hairy Wburg. Cuz this is real! Nah but really, if you're scared of the S. 1st - S6th area, you need to breath in deeply, step away from your Google Reader for a sec and then go fuck yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - a few Michigan fans in attendance here every now and then [ed. like they own the damn place], but it ain't that serious.
Cost of Stella - two field goal attempts, 8 arms up.
What time people start showing up - usually in time to catch the 3:30 game.
Bartender efficiency - mad competent to the break o' dawn. The highlight of this place is the bartenders' attentiveness. And plus! They're nice and personable, like we've heard Leonardo is in person.
Official Website - here. Clicking this link will take you to a site that has a clip-art pic of a coat-rack with a message that says "This site has stepped out for a bit." Pretty piss-poor, but the aforementioned bartender all-around awesomeness more than makes up for this brazen ball-droppin'.
Food? How late - dear god, yes. Upon first glance, the menu appears to be standard bar-food bullshit, but there's gold in them-thar hills, please believe it (believe it, please).
TVs? What's on - flat-screens for days. If you can't find the game you wanna see on one of the screens here, you misread the schedule on sports.yahoo.com, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - well, it's a sports bar, so you know...mostly super-cute mousy chicks.
Toys - clownin' on any Notre Dame fans that happen to be in the building.
Age of clientele - exactly 25-35 year olds.
Space for dancing? - no real dancing here, but no calls for flagrant celebrating either, so get. it. cah-rackin!
Music medium, style & volume - what's that song about how Michigan sucks at football? No, not that one, the other one. No...no, not those, those are great, but there's this other one...fuuuckkk. Hold on, lemme check Michipedia...
Specials or most popular drink - $10 pitchers of Bud or BudLight on gameday(s).

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73-20

There is none iller.

Visceralist Review: Gucci Mane - "The Appeal: Georgia's Most Wanted"

Look at this fucking average piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Das Racist's new one "Sit Down, Man" is officially That New Hot Shit. Free download here.

Video: Lil Wayne "I'm Not a Human Being"

"I'm Not a Human Being" EP drops 9/27 (Tunechi's bday!). Tracklist.

Interpol - "Say Hello to the Angels" (live)

From the Music Hall of Williamsburg - 9/10/10

Lit Lounge

93 2nd Ave (btw 5th & 6th)

New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7987

Bathroom situation - hold it in or go to Dempsey's down the street. Seriously, just..ugh. Fuck.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but do you really want your card sitting in the muck and the mire that accumulates on the counter-top here. Do you? Someone told us that that's how rubella got started back in the day [ed. damn, when was the last time you heard about some rubella?]
Crowded on weekends? - yes, and this is likely the main reason why this place reeks of sweat (among other similarly malodorous funks) 100% of the time. This place seriously must be fuckin' allergic to Glade Plug-ins.
Seating - the usual complement of chairs at the bar, a few tables in back and an egregiously out-of-place plush sofa downstairs. When Visceralist was here the other night there were 2 random dudes layin' out on the sofa like they were some damn maharishis and giving us the most laid-back mean mug we've seen this side of of a G-Dep video.
Neighborhood - smack-dab in the middle of what is likely the noisiest stretch of the East Village [ed. 'smack-dab?' really? is Heathcliff Huxtable ghostwriting this shit now?]
Pretentious/assholes - you know that thing where someone in a group of people a few feet away from you looks over at you, then looks back to their friends, rolls their eyes and laughs?
Cost of Stella - if you think for one single solitary minute that they clean their draft-to-keg tubes as regularly as they should, then I've got a 6 ft. tall invisible rabbit buddy to introduce you to [ed. OK, you've really gotta step up these references. The next category's entry had better reference something that's at least as current as the Obama administration.]
What time people start showing up - Beer o'clock! Now beer me that Smirnoff Ice so I can go Ice my brah.
Bartender efficiency - actually, not terrible. Just don't make hand-contact...and hold your glass/bottle with a napkin separating your dermis from anything his hand may have touched. The more you know!
Official Website - here. They have a list of "Bands Hoove Played" there. Yes, "hoove." Give to your local Parent-Teacher Association, people.
Food? How late - remember when they used to call puking "hurling" in the 90s...and then that sort of got sublimated into "erlin'" in the early '00s.
TVs? What's on - if they don't have the budget for toilet paper in the bathrooms or even a damn bottle of Pine Sol, why in the fuck would they have a TV going.
Guy:girl ratio - generally 50:50 and probably the only reason people still come here is that it does tend to attract a fair share of better-than-your-average looking young folk...talkin' 'bout their young stuff.
Toys - there's a stripper pole downstairs. Oh, also, they allegedly let people smoke whatever they please til whenever in the morning.
Age of clientele - too young to give a shit and/or know any better. Just remember kids, lust is fleeting, but those bumps'll come back every fall like the NBA.
Space for dancing? - jeah jeah jeah jeah. This is actually mostly what this place is known for. Kids stay gettin' it crackin' on the dance floor...downstairs and upstairs.
Music medium, style & volume - they have loud-as-omg bands downstairs every so often, but usually the music emanates from both the upstairs and downstairs DJ booths. Apparently, Telly from Kids and Johnny from the Wire spin on Saturday nights.
Specials or most popular drink - seriously, it smells like foot funk mixed with skunk farts in here most of the time. Grimey as all hell. They should change their name from Lit Lounge to Grimey as A Bucket of Ballsack Lounge. SMH.

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Royale

157 Avenue C

New York, NY 10009
(212) 254-6600

Bathroom situation - SMGDH. There's 1 M & 1 W single-person safe-deposit boxes just past the bar. Last time Visceralist was here (on a Friday nite), the line for the M was longer than the W's, and was even moving slower (no, like seriously). Several times, Visceralist said "Eff this ess" and went to the bar across the street, which turned out to be substantially quicker. And, the one time we decided to actually wait in line for the M, we wound up waiting for a solid 10 mins, knocking on the door several times to no avail. Gentlemen, just for your own reference, there is no reason you should ever in your whole worthless life spend more than 1.5 mins in a bar bathroom (unless you're smooshin' [ed. that term better stand the test of time]). Come to find that the culprit was a barback who actually spent that whole time trying unsuccessfully to fix the fucking terlit, which was now busted, thank you very much (and can you wait another minute?). Now, presumably this doesn't happen every single night of the week, but when it comes to bathrooms, once is way, way, way too many times.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, their site says no, and Visceralist doesn't really remember. In any event, they do have a fine assortment of $3 & $4 beers, so a card may not really be necessary, depending on how liquid your portfolio is.
Crowded on weekends?- the back-porch region is gullyrific (to be specific), so yeah, expect to do some shoulder-first walkin'.
Seating - Royale is a tiddly bit more restauranty than most bars in the area, so the seating (if you include the outdoor area in the back) is ample like Madea's bosom.
Neighborhood - the part of the EV that seems to be degentrifying of late, but is still mostly fine until like 1am-ish.
Pretentious/assholes - Visceralist was choppin' it up with a few dudes in the line for the restroom on a recent visit and, though they were most definitely some ol' "I like a wide variety of music...except for country & rap" type muhs, they seemed mostly harmless.
Cost of Stella - same price as what Visceralist paid for the new Interpol album (which is that new hot shit, btw)...plus $6.
What time people start showing up - when Visceralist arrived here at 11pm on the aforementioned Friday, it was already heaving like Martin Lawrence's bosom in those Big Momma's House movies.
Bartender efficiency - we spent most of our time in the wayyy back part of the porch area, and thus were restricted to wait-service. The waitress did a perfectly acceptable job of handling our relatively large group though, so we'll refrain from our usual bickering.
Official Website - here. The flash interface could use some bug-testing and the wholly unnecessary Links section has been "coming soon" for a while, but otherwise it's mad adequate.
Food? How late - so, Royale sometimes shows up in those "Best Burgers in NYC" lists, and we can see why (put any ol' bullshit on a brioche bun these days and you're a fucking contender). But honestly, you'd be better off just sticking with the liquid burgers (i.e. beer) [ed. ok, that joke doesn't work on any level...but hey, Lebron doesn't make every shot]
TVs? What's on - from their Yelp page: "We now have a 55" flat screen tv in the heated backyard showing all major sporting events daily. Come catch up with your favorite team!" So, that's a thing.
Guy:girl ratio - probably close to the male:female ratio in the infamous dinner scene in the Eddie Murphy version of "The Nutty Professor."
Toys - nothing to update your Facebook status about.
Age of clientele - remember that scene in Coming to America where Hakeem and Semi go out to a nightclub in Queens and they meet a bunch of different chicks and one of them is Arsenio in drag who says "I wanna tear you apart...and your friend too." Most of the folks here are roughly as old as those characters.
Space for dancing? - don't bother.
Music medium, style & volume - negligible.
Specials or most popular drink - in a perfect bar, Stellas would be $3/pint until 10pm and $5 thereafter. Also, there'd never be any bathroom lines (still can't believe that bullshit...). Royale is pleasant enough, but far from a perfect bar.

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