Waka Flocka Flame

Don't you dare call him lyrical. He's too busy.

K&M Bar

225 N. 8th St. (btw Roebling & Driggs)
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 388-3088080808080808

Bathroom situation - two of them in the middle of the spot: one with a urinal, one without. They're a bit grimier than the rest of the bar (which is going for some kind of Boho meets SoHo slickness), but they're fully functional and non-deplorable. Don't try to sneak in for some quick anal with your gf/bf tho cuz there's usually a line for both BRs and they will chatroulette that if you make them wait [ed. shit, that better not be a fad...]
Takes credit cards? - no...you can buy men's socks at Duane Reade with a credit card tho.
Crowded on weekends? - Gucci mane has a song called "Stupid Wild" that goes "Stupid wild, super stupid wild, homie check my style." Now, Pitchfork hasn't reported that he wrote it about K&M on the weekend...but they also didn't report that he didn't write it about K&M on the weekends. Just asking questions.
Seating - a couple tables & bar stools in the front room and that's about it, Elizabeth. This place is designed for mingling and bumping into your next gf/bf that it won't work out with.
Neighborhood - the part of Williamsburg that doesn't give a shit if a Cavs/Nuggets game is on, or who wins (fuggin 'Melo).
Pretentious/assholes - (Sawyer voice) Hell yes. Eh, if you've even heard of this place, you're prolly a bit of an asshole anyway, so no worries. No one's gonna clown on the frames you got cuz Kid Cudi wore them in the "Pursuit of Happiness" video...to your face. Your fugly face, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist hasn't been here in a while, but we seem to remember that they only had Stella by the bottle. Matta fact...they may not have had any taps. Fuck. Commenters, wanna sponsor a fact-finding mission? Visceralist has a PayPal account. [ed. Quit lyin.] Visceralist can probably get a PayPal account.
What time people start showing up - bout an hour after their friend said they were showing up....so, sometime tomorrow (shouts out to Conan's Tonight Show potentially starting at 12:05am).
Bartender efficiency - Visceralist wanted to fill this space with an animated gif of a panda falling off a slide and landing on its head. No such gif exists, so you'll have to look at this and imagine the rest:


Official Website - here. It's a MySpace page, so make sure you've installed Microsoft Security Essentials before clicking the link (or just go right ahead if you're using a Mac).
Food? How late - Visceralist tried to sneak a cheeseburger in here under a winter coat once and the bouncer smelled it right away and smooshed it up against our chest before telling us that no food was allowed. Sucks too, cuz we were wearing our one cool shirt that night. [ed. Don't try to buy that shirt online, btw...Reason's customer service is the bullshit.]
TVs? What's on - they have a big screen onto which they project arthouse shit like "Fargo" and "Red vs. Blue" and suchlike.
Guy:girl ratio - Allegedly, "It ain't trickin if you got it." But really...even if you're paid...if you gotta buy every drink and every dinner and (even worse) your love-interest expects you to do as such all the time...is that really a life you wanna be living? Commenters, please...showlite!
Toys - um, bragging to people who haven't been here yet prolly counts, so...
Age of clientele - Visceralist has one 21 yr old friend who somehow has not only heard of, but already gotten bored of places we haven't even gotten let into yet. Even when we went there with a cute chick on a Wednesday night. Fuck...never get old.
Space for dancing? - (Dead Prez voice) Hell yeah. It's funny that this place gets so much love for having a great dancing area and mediocre - decent DJs when Supreme Trading is half a block away. Anyway, K&M's backroom is basically that scene from Saturday Night Fever (via Madonna's "Ray of Light" vid).
ID Check Procedure - [ed. rolls eyes]
Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist doesn't really remember, but according to Yelp, they play a lot of "hipster music" so we imagine it's mostly Bukowski poems set to Yoko Ono songs (her new shit).
Specials or most popular drink - if you have to ask, you've prolly never been cheated on.
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Brooklyn Public House

247 Dekalb Ave (btw Clermont & Vanderbilt Aves)
Brooklyn, NY 11205
(347) 227-8976

Bathroom situation - two single-person rooms, one M, one F. Both are a fuckin notch or two too clean and nice for a Pub, which makes Visceralist a little nervous (which, in turn, makes it difficult for Visceralist to urinate...so it's like "concentrate, concentrate...think of that one Calvin & Hobbes strip where Hobbes tries to make Calvin have to pee in the middle of the night to get him back for some earlier diss"). You know how that go.
Takes credit cards? - it's easy as dick to run up a $100 tab for a party of 4, so they damn sure better take a Discover Card or two. There may be a minimum, but we here at Visceralist like to keep our evenings out nice and wasted (Gucci!), so we don't really recall.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but not so bad that you'll "accidentally" get pressed up against that friend of a friend you have a crush on on your way to the bathroom [ed. you're still sayin "crush"?! Goddamn...witchyo Power Ranger ass.]
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, 4 or 5 tables in the front part, and a bunch of booths & one big table running up the middle in the back. It's ample like Megan Mullaly (shouts out to Party Down season 2).
Neighborhood - Ft. Greene is still Visceralist's favorite BK hood, so you won't hear too much nonsense spilling out of our keyboard here. You will in the rest of the categories though.
Pretentious/assholes - Christine Z. wrote the following in her 1-star Yelp review of this place:

Thank you for trying to make my birthday not fun. Seriously, the waitresses here kept trying to make everyone sit down the whole night and kept regulating on everything we were doing. We brought 15 people there for some serious drinking and they just made everything so difficult.
Ever here of giving someone a shot on their birthday? No cause that would too difficult at this place.

This is the type of place where you would run into the cast of The Real World Brooklyn.

So clearly, most of the cunts(this word is not gender-specific, btw) that do wander in here don't come back.
Cost of Stella - that's $6 you'll never see again, but won't regret.
What time people start showing up - god, why do you people keep asking us all these damn questions?! God, can't we just do our own thing at home for a week or so? Is that so bad? Why you all up under us?!
Bartender efficiency - this is gonna sound like Visceralist is on the take (we wish) or that we know the owner, but the service here has never been a problem or an issue or a complaint or a "blerg" or a :-/ or anything like that there.
Official Website - here. It ain't the best thing since breath and it does have its food menus in .pdf format (which is idiotic, btw...just HTML that shit up), but it's cute enough and reasonably serviceable (just like the waitresses!).
Food? How late - basic pub food served past 12. Bangers and fish and mash and chips (not in that order...unless you order it like that. Now that's an order!).
TVs? What's on - nah, playboy...so don't roll up in here expecting to see Peep Show, or Little Britain or The InBetweeners or Mighty Boosh or Extras or any of that other sub-The Office (UK) bullshite.
Guy:girl ratio - this isn't really the kind of place where you meet someone new and hit it off and hit it raw. Most people here already knew the people that they came and left with. If you have any theories as to why this is (looking at you, Christine Z.), leave them in the comments.
Age of clientele - some people like to say that 40 is the new 30, but really 30 isn't even the new 30, so if you're in your 20s, you might feel a little in over your head. That's life!
Space for dancing? - getchyo crip-walkin ass outta here!
ID Check Procedure - if you actually get carded here, getchyo Pratt-studyin ass back down the block!
Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist is late on this, sure, but how hot is Snoop's "I Wanna Rock" beat? Gets us in the mood to get back to our science-droppin days and mark up that track like Kurt Cobain's inner-elbows (too soon?).
Specials or most popular drink - they got a gang of beers on tap, so even the most prudish, conservative imbiber can find something here to get drunk on and then hit on that chick that he knows his friend is kinda dating when said friend goes to the bathroom. The Robbery has been committed!
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Visceralost

"Now how you like me now?"