The Whiskey Ward

121 Essex St (btw Rivington & Delancey St.)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2998

Bathroom situation - two in the back, both unisex. The one in the back is much roomier, but Visceralist has heard rumors that the mirror in there is two-way. Again, these are just rumors. So that's not actually libel.
Takes credit cards? - yes, for like a $22 min. Something we overheard the bartender say to some button-ups some night who clearly weren't gonna protest that.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but with folks who don't know any better, so they'll actually say "Excuse me" instead of "I will fuckin slap the color out your damn face if you dont..." if you bump into them.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, plus two or three tables to the left, but really there's so much open-air here, you'll want to stand around and quorum.
Neighborhood - literally the armpit of the LES...in every fucking possible fucking way.
Type of crowd - If you have more than one button in your whole outfit, kill yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - the crowd here isn't cool enough to be pretentious. So don't worry Midwest, no one's gonna call you out your name about your damn Gap shit.
Cost of Stella -no esta aqui.
What time people start showing up - on the earlier side, like 8-9ish. The folks here have double chins that they accidentally dip in the weak sauce.
Bartender efficiency - if a fuck ignores a cunt in an uncool part of the LES, does it make a fuckin noise?
Official Website - here. Pedestrian. BTW, William F. Buckley is a boring cunt whose philosophy was mostly wrong.
Food? How late - no kitchen here. You're better off encouraging the pre-60's feminine instincts your gf might be feeling if she watches a lot of Mad Men.
TVs? What's on - Da Bears....
Guy:girl ratio - not that great. The decor here acts as a colander for any hot chicks who are actually aware that they're hot. But what's left...a lot of exes.
Toys - pool table which people with necks will mostly try to not make eye contact with as they walk by it to the bathrooms.
Age of clientele - they'll never admit it, but mostly folks whose first experience with Lil' Wayne was the outro to "Back Dat Azz Up."
Space for dancing? - If you're reading this, you don't want none of this.
Grimeyness - you'll get over it.
ID Check Procedure - laughable (laudable?).
Music medium, style & volume - If you've ever complained about Justin Timberlake, welcome home.
Specials or most popular drink - "Whyskey Flights"...you're either in good company or on your own, B.
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Key Bar

432 E. 13th St. (btw 1st & Ave A)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 4783021

Specials or most popular drink - had to move this category to the top cuz this is where Key Bar shines like the barrel of a biscuit. 2 for 1 on all drinks from 5-10pm. No other decent bar in the vicinity keeps their happyhour this fuckin gully. Most of the mixed drinks are in the $10-$12 range, but they're essentially half-off til 10, so...also, they're known for their Lychee Martini, which will fuck you up worse than you'd be if your given name was Dick (not Richard).
Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex drops in the back to the right of the bar. They keep the plungers in them for a reason, which is downright unfortunate, but otherwise they're fairly innocuous. If you have the option, grab the first one (with the sliding door) cuz it's about twice the size of the other one, with a bigger, cleaner mirror. In fact, it's prolly big enough to fit more than one person at a time.
Takes credit cards? - yes, $20 min. With the happy hour in effect, could take a while to reach this.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, that brings us to the "thing" about this place...it's about the size of the interior of a Camry. If the HR dept of any moderately-sized company books a going-away-party here, forget about it. Won't be worth it unless you genuinely want to wish Carol good luck with her future as a NYC Teaching Fellow (won't help). Or if you're trying to get with her cuter friend Nancy.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, 5 lounge couches w/ tables. Moot point, cuz you'll be standing. Cuz there's no seats.
Neighborhood - across the street from one of the freshest non-NYU apt buildings in the East Village. This bar is the only thing open on the whole block after 10pm tho, so if you brought a trenchcoat, pop that collar [ed. (slaps forehead)...really? That's the punchline? You better knock it out the damn park with the next one or you're done here.]
Type of crowd - whiff... [ed. ok...now watch this]
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that most of the crowd prefer's Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" to the clearly superior "Ecstacy" by jj.
Cost of Stella -$6, but comes with an additional free Stella til 10:00pm.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 7:15pm one time for a party that was listed as starting at 7:00pm. Needless to say, Visceralist was disgustingly, wrist-slittingly early for this party, but the place was still reasonably fullish...
Bartender efficiency - two bartenders, but they get it the fuck in. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Official Website - here. The intro page had a listing of browser requirements (like seriously, more than one), so Visceralist made it no further.
Food? How late - they have peach cider here, which tastes like a shit sandwich, so that might count.
TVs? What's on - nope, so better bring your iPhones with the YouTube clips from "In the Loop" pre-loaded.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll manage.
Toys - there's a DJ booth in the back, so most people here entertain themselves with a round or two of the ol' "Hey, could you play..." To be fair though, the DJ always loses...
Age of clientele - mostly folks on their 4th or 5th 30th bday.
Space for dancing? - Oddly, yes. The center of the room tends to get to moshin' at the slightest hint of "Come on Eileen."
Grimeyness - the happy hour will keep you hazy enough to where this is a non-issue. Like how idiots obfuscate the healthcare debate with hysterical hyberbole.
ID Check Procedure - please, homey. If you've even heard of the movie "New Jack City" you'll get in.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ's choice. Not too loud that you'll have to repeat the lie that you're actually still technically employed as a consultant.
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Common Ground

206 Avenue A (btw 12th & 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-6231

In the interests of occasionally pandering to the Twittergraphic, Visceralist hereby debuts its MicroView in which each category is described in the same number of words as the category itself. Enjoy that.

Bathroom situation - annoyingly average.
Takes credit cards? - do bears shit?
Crowded on weekends? - hipsters wouldn't know.
Seating - deceiving.
Neighborhood - zzzzzz.
Type of crowd - both pleated & flat.
Pretentious/assholes - no rumblin'.
Cost of Stella - it's worth it.
What time people start showing up - on trivia night, leavin' work early.
Bartender efficiency - ku dos.
Official Website - here. Corny.
Food? How late - wannabe upscale bar (food).
TVs? What's on - yes, usually SportsCenter.
Guy:girl ratio - quantity, not quality.
Toys - trivia (Wed).
Age of clientele - just gotta Masters.
Space for dancing? - Bloomberg's cabaret laws.
Grimeyness - Pledge goes fast. [ed. the fuck? rules?]
ID Check Procedure - not even necessary.
Music medium, style & volume - similar to white noise.
Specials or most popular drink - HH $2 Yuengling, kinda weak.
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Drop Off Service

211 Avenue A. (at 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 260-2914

Bathroom situation - two converted phone-booths in the back. Both are single-person jawns that are clearly not at all designed with today's husky gentleman in mind. Plus you're damn sure gonna be waiting on at least 1 or 2 folks ahead of you to finish "using" the "facilities."
Takes credit cards? - (rolls eyes) pshh, fine...oh, AMEX only, btw. ATM's in the back.
Crowded on weekends? - you know that one scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark with the snakes? No, not that one...the one in the beginning, inside the plane. No, j/k...really, the one in the pit. Yeah, this place gets almost that crowded. So bring your torches, Dr. Joneses!
Seating - comfortably available...plenty at the bar, plenty of booths on the left, a couple couches in the (stanky) back near the bathrooms...and even some more (some more?!) yes, some more in the way-back to the right.
Neighborhood - essentially across the street from Stuyvesant Town, and in a mostly friendly/boring section of the EV. Not really any jackpots to worry about.
Type of crowd - trick-ass young men (that like to trick off all their little trick money) and the triflin-ass chicks and dudes that are happy to take advantage of them.
Pretentious/assholes - the crew from IvyGate Blog apparently has get-togethers here, so you know how that goes...
Cost of Stella - not really sure...next time you see a trick, ask him.
What time people start showing up - 9 o'clock on. This place never gets pointless-crowded like Plan B tho, so no worries.
Bartender efficiency - by now you know that Visceralist will take any (and every) opportunity to do some hatin', but really this is one area where Drop Off Service is mostly untouchable.
Official Website - none. This is the type of no-pretense place that really doesn't need one though. A Drop Off Service flickr page might be fun, but also not necessary.
Food? How late - does eye-candy count? No? Ok, then no. [ed. No even if it does count, imo.] Actually, they do apparently have "meat pies" here, but once you get a good look at this place you'll prolly stick with the eye-candy.
TVs? What's on - no, so let's grow up, people, shall we?
Guy:girl ratio - the girls here tend to be pretty next-door-y. And in the minority.
Toys - this place is more dog friendly than all of TriBeCa, so let it be known that Marmaduke will be off the leash every now and then.
Age of clientele - mostly people who remember a time when Pabst was shit.
Space for dancing? - Dancing?! If you so much as slide into your seat too fast or tap your feet while in the aforementioned line for the bathroom, you're gonna get gawked at.
Grimeyness - standard issue. Nothing to write home about. It is what it is. Comme ci, comme ca. Mos o menos. You know what it is. Pshh.
ID Check Procedure - they give you the ol' once-over.
Music medium, style & volume - played-out Jukebox. You're better off just bringing your ipod/iphone + earphones if you're here alone or with a gf/bf that you're passive-aggressively trying to get rid of.
Specials or most popular drink - all beers are $3 from 5-8. Kinda meh, but they have a larger-than-average selection, so...also special: big shouts out to Associate Justice Sotomayor!
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