Fontana's

105 Eldridge St.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 334-6740

Visceralist has been receiving a lot of guff lately over its perceived stance of strictly shitting on NYC bars. Not that we give a good god-damn about what people think, but in the interest of balance, we hereby present a review of a bar that actually has it's motherfucking act together.

Bathroom situation - Fontana's is a large place with a hefty amount of cubic mileage, so it makes sense that they don't really skimp on the coke closets. There's one unisex for the front bar, two unisexes for the rear bar and two multi-person brs in the basement. Now, granted you sometimes have to pay to go downstairs (cuz that's where the bands play) which only leaves 3 unisex bathrooms for a hangar-sized space, but oftentimes...ah, fuck it, it's inadequate.
Takes credit cards? - Yes, but they can be a liability. This place is odd in that it's like a dive bar, but fucking huge. Lots of shit gets lost in the "shuffle." And dirty south girls give me dirty south head [ed. move last sentence to Bathroom Situation section].
Crowded on weekends? - Yeah, really not worth the trouble Fri-Sat.
Seating - plentiful...multitudes...but you can never get one unless you get there before 10:30pm on the weekends. A non-issue at all other times. Like Rush (the band and the cunt).
Neighborhood - snuggling right up under the LES/Chinatown border. Pretty isolated late nights cuz nothing else around here is open. Cab it home unless you live nearby. Of if you're brokeass.
Type of crowd - as diverse as this stanky dive bar is large. J/k, it's mostly 2nd or 3rd tier hipsterati. They have bands in the basement every now and then, but never anyone you'd actually need to know about. Just have a good time.
Pretentious/assholes - most of the people here get the joke that is being pretentious in NYC.
Cost of Stella - $6, fyi they don't have it downstairs.
What time people start showing up - after checking to make sure that the cool kids are def showing up tonite.
Bartender efficiency - on a dead night (Sun-Thurs) no problems. On the weekend can be tricky to determine if it's more better to wait at the front bar (usually more bartenders) or the rear one (usually less crowded). Generally the rear one is gonna be the better bet because the crowd will be much more dense in the front and the rear bartenders seem to hustle harder.
Official Website - here. Poorly organized and in need of an update but comprehensive. But Visceralist has learned that the rear room is called the "Chandelier Room."
Food? How late - Tic-Tacs, Altoids & Gum...but it's BYOTTA&G.
TVs? What's on - a projector/screen in the Chandelier Room that generally shows stag films from the 50s and suchlike.
Guy:girl ratio - leaning hetero.
Toys - touch-screen multi-game console. Pool table in the Chandelier room. Booze.
Age of clientele - People who know the song "No Scrubs" pretty well - those who only kinda remember hearing about it.
Space for dancing - unfortunately no because the only time they play dance-able music in the Chandelier Room, it's too crowded for your parachute-pants.
Décor - upscale-ish dive-bar-y.
Grimeyness - the bathrooms are a tad fucked up the fuck, but otherwise the place would pass even a Norwegian health inspection.
ID check procedure - Stringent. Always a dude outstairs on the steps. Meh.
Hood specificity - the ChiLES.
Music medium, style & volume - they played Rick Ross' "Hustlin" here recently and no one knew what the fuck was going on.
Specials or most popular drink - Happy Hour every day till 8pm. Patently weaksauce.
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Video: Black Dynamite Trailer

And then there's this:

Nurse Bettie

106 Norfolk St (btw Delancey & Rivington)

New York, NY 10002

(212) 477-7515

Bathroom situation - solamente un bano...Visceralist's pet peeve, verdad, but the place is small enough that there'll never be enough people here at any one time to ruin the experience, kill your buzz, shit in your soup, fuck your girl, etc...plus it's mad clean and has scented candles for some reason.
Takes credit cards? - They don't really have the budget for this it seems...there's a Bank of America around the corner tho, so like Theo said in the Cosby Show pilot..."No problem!"
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but it's all gravy baby. Most people just wait here till they get let into the (nearby speakeasy) The Back Room (review coming).
Seating - suprisingly ample. Again, taking into account the overall size of this place, it's quite efficient in its seating logistix.
Neighborhood - in the shadow of the hideous Blue apartment high-rise...no one even knows anyone who lives there or who has even been to a party there. The fuck is the point? It's uglier than Thom Yorke.
Type of crowd - Regular people. [ed. nice obscure callback, killt it]
Pretentious/assholes - might see the odd pea-coat here, but they tend to not talk too loud.
Cost of Stella - $6...gift certificates not accepted.
What time people start showing up - generally 11ish and generally only on the weekends. This is an ideal place to invite a date for one of those "grab a drink" things during the week. Visceralist hates that expression, but mostly for its overuse and its misleading premise.
Bartender efficiency - only one bartender but, again, this place is rarely so crowded as to instigate brow-furrowing.
Official Website - here. Spartan and Java'd up the fuck, but still mostly inviting.
Food? How late - debating whether to reference Seinfeld's "The Soup Nazi" or Cam'Ron's mixtape track "Oh No You Didn't"...either way, no food for you didn't.
TVs? What's on - too classy for TV...replaced with 5 foot tall paintings of some pervert's idealized image of a D-cup model from the 50's. Topless. And white.
Guy:girl ratio - 50/50. Though the more interesting ratio to examine might be Guy:Girl:Girls who are hitting on the bartender.
Toys - the scented candle in the bathroom plays a game called "Blown out by Assholes." Now there's a Blown-out-asshole joke here somewhere too, but Visceralist is too groggy. The gist of it would be that the person's received too much anal sex and now requires a colonostomy bag. Get it?!?!?! OMFG OMFG OMFG ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFLROFLROFLOLOLOLO [ed. this really happens sometimes]
Age of clientele - mid-20s...you know, before you're hit in the face with the inevitable.
Space for dancing - no, again this is more of a chill-out place, but without the pretention of a lounge or a disco. Truly a diamond in the rough.
Décor - boobs, candles, tree-trunk tables. Meets all your mammario-phallic needs. Sucka.
Grimeyness - dang, cain't complain. Clean than an unwrapped tampon.
ID check procedure - Perfunctory/non-existant.
Music medium, style & volume - Bartender's iPod kickin out non-obtrusive 80s/90s indie rock at 128kbps.
Specials or most popular drink - signature drink: the "Au-Pear = Absolut Pears, Chambord & pineapple...don't tell the babysitter." Go hard or go home, snitches.
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Barramundi Bar

67 Clinton St (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002-2400
(212) 529-6999

Bathroom situation - two unisex, lockable bathrooms in the rear. The one on the left is big 'n' comfy. The one on the right looks like it was airlifted in from the City of God.
Takes credit cards? - Ask them if they do and they'll tell you "no" with a smirk.
Crowded on weekends? - If you mean Sundays from 9am - 5pm, then no. Any other parts of the weekend, then yes, doi! Helloooo...
Seating - 5 booths, 10 stools. The tables at the booths here are kinda gnarly cuz they're made from actual wood-bearing tree stumps.
Neighborhood - On Clinton Street, which is like the Park Avenue of the LES.
Type of crowd - A bunch of trick muthafuckas that like to trick off all their little trick money. J/k.
Pretentious/assholes - despite being centrally located in the alleged upscale part of the LES, the crowd is largely d-bag deficient.
Cost of Stella - a nice, even $6.
What time people start showing up - around the time that the trivia nights at other local bars are winding down.
Bartender efficiency - only one, but this place is cozy in nature so it's [ed. usually] sufficient.
Official Website - here. Hilariously brokeass the fuck. Like on some Geocities shit. Leading that whole comedy-HTML movement you keep hearing about.
Food? How late - they have a huge sangria jar with real-looking fruit up in it, but who's to say...
TVs? What's on - yes, but 100% at the 'tenders discretion. Do not be coming here to catch up on Lost, johnny boy.
Guy:girl ratio - somehow this is actually a date-y type place. It's also a lonely-chick-looking-for-je-ne-sais-quois type place.
Toys - if you got The Dream's new album on your iPod, that's all you really need.
Age of clientele - dawn till dusk.
Space for dancing - note to all the girls who like need to drop it like it's haaawwwwttt...this is more of a pre-gaming spot. Plan accordingly.
Décor - red...candles....mostly red & candles. And xmas lights.
Grimeyness - definitely one of those spots that looks like it's pretty decent but if you saw it in some pure daylight or flourescence, you'd be like "Peewww, blech, blech, ugh, blech, pew, PEW PEW PEW, blech. Where's the bleach? Where's the razors? Where's my wrists?"
ID check procedure - Must be yea tall to get in. Yea = 2'+.
Hood specificity - how good is the new The-Dream album, btw?
Music medium, style & volume - indie nonsense from that forgettable decade. The one where they called it GRID.
Specials or most popular drink - from the previously mentioned website: ...
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