This

For sale here, playboy.

Happy Holidays!

Viscurrralist

Moe's

80 Lafayette Ave (corner of S. Portland)
Brooklyn, NY 11217
(718) 797-9536

Bathroom situation- are people still saying "crunktified?" I know the term has never really been defined (urbandictionary.com notwithstanding), but somehow it feels like it's an apt description of the bathrooms here. There's a M & W single-person set up in the middle of the bar and another unisex single-person's in the rear and around the corner. None are what you would call resplendent, but they're fully functional. Plus you could prolly get away with fucking in the back one. Visceralist is a Hugh Grant-style romantic like that. Get at me.
Takes credit cards? - naw, playboy, so be ready to pull some of your financial earnins out your left or right pocket.
Crowded on weekends?- "Two rats fuckin in a wool sock" is a regional expression (from the Fresno region) and is usually preceded by "It's as hot as..." but somehow it feels appropriate to describe how dense this shack gets in the days preceding the Sabbath. [ed. shouts out to Chanukah, btw]
Seating- despite the crowds, Moe's somehow really shines in this dept. It's a gang of tables and stools in the front section and a few couches and suchlike in the back. Watch your step getting to the back. There you go.
Neighborhood- Fort Greene! Brooklyn stand up! Brooklyn, we go hard, we go ha-ard! Where Brooklyn at! Let me clear my throat! Currently in the running for BK's coolest nabe (take that, Canarsie!). It's eclectic, but warm and fuzzy on some level. Also, marginally dangerous! Clipse were recently househunting in the hood (they took a look at Spike Lee's old Brownstone), and complained that they were likely to get mugged when they step outside. Given that they're from Virginia and presumably not totally familiar with NYC yet, they can be excused for this generalization. In any event, Fort Greene is a blessing.
Pretentious/assholes- naw, playboy. And this is another area where Moe's really shines. The asshole set is apparently too lazy to figure out how to get to this place, so most folks here are wild amiable.
Cost of Stella - $6 and it's simple as that for your simple ass.
What time people start showing up - folks tend to meander in and out throughout most of the day, but in a colloquial sense, like 10ish. [ed. you have no clue what colloquial means do you? AND you're too busy to look it up...smh]
Bartender efficiency- the tenderonies are pretty casual here, which can lead to a fair bit of eye-rolling, but they're also good-natured enough that you just, unnnnhhh, can't get mad at them.
Official Website - here. They kinda pulled a boner with this one. There's way too many flashy intro screens (more than 0 is too many) and their "Events" section is weaksauce (are people still using that...Visceralist still rocks Cross Colours so we're not really the best judge of hot slang like that).
Food? How late - naw, playboy. Get your grub on before you get the party started up in here, up in here. Slap bracelets.
TVs? What's on- nope. Oh and this is obviously moot at this point, but Jude Law was amazing in Hamlet. No wonder he's got baby-moms for days. Sucks that there isn't a Broadway bootleg dvd market like there is for the movie industry.
Guy:girl ratio - tough, but fair. That's a metaphor (shouts out to the 30 Rock pilot).
Toys- they sometimes show movies on a projector screen in the back. The last time Visceralist saw something here though it was some borderline tentacle-porn anime shit, so proceed with caution...
Age of clientele- though it kinda feels like a place that the "grown & sexy" mid-to-late-30s set would frequent, it's mostly late 20s like that.
Space for dancing? - no, and if we may digress, this clip is the business.
ID Check Procedure- it's all good, playboy. They do sometimes have a bouncer here, but if you're underage and can somehow make yourself up to look like you've been through some shit, they'll prolly be cool.
Music medium, style & volume - they have a juke here, but more often than not it's curated by a DJ or Pandora or something.
Specials or most popular drink - Happy Hour til 7:30, 2 for 1 drinks. That'll do, pig...that'll do.
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Los Feliz

109 Ludlow St. (btw Rivington & Delancey)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-8383

Bathroom situation - from the people that brought you Spitzer's awesome bathroom situation comes a slightly neutered version of such. The individual br motif is still very much in effect, but there's only 4 of them and they're only in the downstairs area and they don't have airplane-style occupied/vacant indicators on the handles and they're not quite as clean....but otherwise they're getting some kudos round Visceralist.com way.
Takes credit cards? - si, y con mucho gusto. You may be confused when you see "Los Feliz" at the top of your bill and not "Taqueria" tho because the street-facing signage of this place is all kinds of backwards.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but it turns out to be a minor issue. From the street, this place looks way too small to accommodate your typical Ludlow-based Saturday night LES crowd, but there's a large downstairs area that has some wide birthing hips, so it's all good. Hop in!
Seating - street level: a dollop of stools at the bar and 8 or 9 tables that can be pushed together in case Rob Pattinson shows up with his entourage (he won't tho, cuz according to Vanity Fair he's a beer-swillin loner...bless). Downstairs, main level: a couple of wooden benches leftover from Spitzer's. Downstairs, lower level: some cushiony, benchy goodness and a smattering of hard-backed chairs.
Neighborhood - next door to the new SVA dorms, and on the same block as Mehanatta, Motor City & a teensy bodega whose workers flash a geek'd-up smile while they overcharge Visceralist exactly $1 more than the market value for any given six-pack they have in their brokeass coolers.
Pretentious/assholes - yes, which is unfortunate because this place has an above-average pedigree (from the people who brought you Spitzer's, Dark Room & Fat Baby). Not that those places don't attract their fair share of scum, but they don't seem to revel in it like Los Feliz apparently does. There's nothing inherently wrong with button-up patterned shirts or peacoats on a Saturday night in the LES, but...
Cost of Stella - $6 or $7 by the bottle. Visceralist apologizes for the vagueness here, but we bought it with other drinks and with cash, so it was hard to delineate.
What time people start showing up - as of Thanksgiving Weekend '09 this place still seems to retain some of the sheen it carried from being associated with the bars mentioned in the "Pretentious/assholes" category, so people come here early and often most days. The hilarious Yelp reviews however (which vividly call out Los Feliz on its triflin') don't bode well for its future prospects...
Bartender efficiency - this place has 3 bars: street-level, main downstairs & lower downstairs. Street-level has two 'tenders during the busy hours and you'll have to play the usual game of LES-bartender-ego-scratching to get their attention. The lower-level ones, however, are generally less busy and more helpful. It should be noted here that Los Feliz has a two entrances to the downstairs area. One that you see immediately as you enter and which is manned by a bouncer and another which is accessible via a hidden door towards the back of the "restaurant" area (like something out of the Batman TV series from the '60s) that isn't all that hidden cuz people are constantly using it and it doesn't have one of those mechanical arms on it that automatically closes it. That sound you hear in the background is La Esquina and PDT laughing at this place in unison.
Official Website - tienen ningun. Unclear if this absence is just growing pains or some straight perpetratin...
Food? How late - judging from some of the Yelp reviews from when this place first opened, Los Feliz was initially framed as a restaurant that dabbled in bar-dom/lounge-dom. If this is true, this was a huge mistake. They do have food here and they do serve it to the tables on the street-level via waiters, but let it be known that this is a fuckin LES B&T bar with lounge leanings. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing (shouts out to Verlaine), but please don't walk in here thinking you're gonna get the Basil Fawlty treatment. The food is an afterthought.
TVs? What's on - for all the missteps this place has apparently made according to Yelp, it's surprising that they don't have a totally out-of-place flatscreen Samsung here showing The Real World: Las Vegas on loop. They don't though.
Guy:girl ratio - surprisingly guy-heavy, even despite the abundance of Tequila and Scarface posters on the walls (that last part's a metaphor, btw).
Toys - nothing physical, but Visceralist loves posting via iPhone to that Overheard In Los Feliz blog shit like "But you're short...why would I do that?" and "Fuck them, they're just jealous..."
Age of clientele - fuck, the peacoats here are really like endemic. Visceralist has a bone to pick with them cuz they just scream mediocrity. Plus the neck is wide open and wearing scarves is for women. You know who wears peacoats? Tim Allen wears peacoats. So does Robin Williams.
Space for dancing? - the downstairs main level has a comfortable dance floor that alternates between empty and "OMFG, I love this new Lady Gaga!"
ID Check Procedure - Visceralist's male celeb hair-plug/wig/draw-on culprits: Matthew McConaughey, Travolta, Jamie Foxx, Michael C. Hall, Kevin James, Nic Cage, Affleck, Will Farrell, tbc...(this is all pure speculation, btw)
Music medium, style & volume - the DJ on the downstairs main level apparently holds sway over the soundtrack for the entire bar, which is aight, but god damn, does it have to be that loud everywhere? Granted, everyone loves a strong 808 and snare, but not to the point where it's stirring your tequila gimlet for you.
Specials or most popular drink - so they have a gang of different tequilas here. Visceralist asked the street-level bartender for a recommendation on which one would make for a decent tequila gimlet and was hit with the "um, let's see...." We won't quite call that a fail, but it definitely ain't a ftw.
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Is in full effect. Playin this game on beast mode now. Just need a fly logo. Toying with the idea of the McDonalds arches with Mickey Mouse ears and with the Nike swoosh underneath it like a smirk. Thoughts?

Happy Thxgvng!

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Jordan Didn't Make Every Shot

The Carter documentary was boring.

The Doghouse Saloon

152 Orchard St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(646) 429-8780

Bathroom situation - one large & cleanly unisex unit on the street level. Downstairs, the usual complement of grubby Ms & Ws (1 each). For some reason the street level one is frequently vacant. This is either cuz the folks here just drunkenly overlook it it on their way downstairs or out of respectful deference to Doghouse Saloon's disabled patrons. Keep in mind that it's called The Doghouse Saloon and it's in the LES though, so we'll leave it up to you to figure out which it is.
Takes credit cards? - dear God yes. As a brand new, enthusiastically fratastic bar in the LES (with considerable sq. footage) this place would be foolish to turn down any form of currency, whether it be credit, traveler's cheque, piggy bank, Argentinian peso, piano lesson coupons or X-Men comics from the 80's.
Crowded on weekends? - ummm, yeah....and with a name like The Doghouse Saloon, a million NYC hipsters already disapprovingly assumed as much. It's perversely fitting in a way that this place is back-to-back with Ludlow Street's own B&T oasis Libation, because in much the same way that Orchard St. is the poor man's Ludlow St., Doghouse is the Sidekick to Libation's Blackberry Storm.
Seating - an abundance of stools by the main bar, two large booths in the back. Roughly the same situation downstairs. Upstairs has been christened as the "VIP Area" which Visceralist wasn't welcome at the night we went here, but we were sort of peeking up at it on the sly from the ground floor...it looked like there were 5 or 6 tables up there, but then the bouncer caught us and told us to stop looking up there like Nigel Tufnel with that one guitar, so we had to stop.
Neighborhood - next door to Demask latex & leather gear shop. 'Nuff said. [ed. nice callback to the X-Men thing from earlier]
Pretentious/assholes - Barrel, meet my friend Fish. Fish, meet my better friend Chrome Desert Eagle.
Cost of Stella - $6...Visceralist has nothing for this, so commenters, go nuts. Best comment will appear here.
What time people start showing up - ok, full disclosure, Visceralist came here for the first time last Friday from like 10 - 12 and has no plans on ever going back. It was basically dead at 10, but did wind up getting lively and vivacious at around 11:30. Whether or not this is true most nights or if this place gets more brolic as the night progresses is up to the commenters or Yelpers to speak on.
Bartender efficiency - in a word, hysterical. There were 3 pros & 1 rookie working that night. Now, according to their website, they offer guest bartender nights so it's possible that the rook was a guest for the night, but given how new this place is, it was really hard to tell. Either way, the rook was the only one actually working while the others were listlessly cavorting and capering and generally dilly-dallying. Or maybe it was just that they were ignoring Visceralist on purpose (wouldn't be the first time, definitely won't be the last). Either way, the negligence was to the point that it was comical and well, now we're putting them on blast. That's how that goes.
Official Website - here. Their homepage has an "index.html" at the end of it. If that's too inside-baseball of a diss for you, then watch this: they've decorated said homepage in what looks like Clip-Art from the 50's. If it's still like we're speaking Tagalog then consider this: they have the following in the footer of every page on the site: "Doghouse Saloon NYC is the newest bar to hit the city. A fun environment with a free hot dog with purchase of any drink. Stop by to see the large two floor bar area with an upstairs game room, 10 TVs that show all sports games and beer pong tournaments. Located close to Rivington on 152 Orchard Street, New York, NY 10002. Doghouse NYC. "
Food? How late - free hot dogs till 4am every night apparently, but considering this place's musk, Visceralist recommends sneaking in some of Duane Reade's new DeLish line of trailmix and assorted candies. [ed. cross our heart, that's not viral marketing]
TVs? What's on - yes, they do shine in this department. They have enough that they were showing the good bball games, college football games & even world cup qualifier games. OK, well, singular tense for all those, not plural, but still...
Guy:girl ratio - they have a Wheel O' Shots here (with "water" on one of the tabs), so you can surely imagine how many women love coming here all the time, like nonstop infinity. Harder to gauge when it comes to the men-folk tho.
Toys - Billiards, Skee Ball, Buck Hunter, and most importantly, Beer Pong. Yes ma'am. Mothers, free your daughters. Professor Snodgrass, we're serving you notice...school's out for summer! The Doghouse Saloon has sent out the Close Encounters of the Third Kind quint-tone, and Richard Dreyfus has arrived with a keg over each shoulder! Excitement! Intrigue! Arguments over whether bounce-ins (and you're gonna get bounce-ins) count! Beirut!
Age of clientele - old enough to irreverently procreate. Shouts out to this.
Space for dancing? - yes on the main floor and, if memory serves, downstairs. DID YOU KNOW! That the Courtney Cox "Dancing in the Dark" dance is not only alive, not only well, but flourishing and doing pre-2008-Madoff business?
ID Check Procedure - yeah, pretty on-point too.
Music medium, style & volume - suppose this is a good time to mention that this place used to be a somewhat-respected LES live indie-music venue called The Annex. Visceralist was considering pointing this out earlier, but really, The Annex was never all that. Never on par with like Pianos or even The Delancey. It was decent for what it was, but we don't think BrooklynVegan or anyone really shed a tear when this place shut down (shouts out to Rothko). At The Doghouse Saloon they have a DJ and, not sure if this is representative, but they did play the full album mix of Fatboy Slim's "Rockefeller Skank."
Specials or most popular drink - they have a bunch of specials listed on their web 0.5 site, but we can't be bothered.
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The Blue Seats

157 Ludlow St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 614-1494

Bathroom situation - they got 3 single-person units, so when the clock hits 00:00 you can bet that your bladder lost 14oz - 0. Forealdo, a sports bar with this kind of limited bathroom situation is taking an L till the break of dawn. If you really really have to go, sneak down the street to Spitzer's.
Takes credit cards? - yes ma'am [ed. that's for your "football" team, Michigan...shots fired!].
Crowded on weekends?- depends on whether it's tennis grand-slam season or not. If not, then yes. If so, then no. Which, btw, Agassi said in the new Vanity Fair that he wishes he had Federer's talent. Poor guy...Federer, that is. Now he's gotta play Andre off at tennis dinner parties and suchlike...
Seating - this is where The Blue Seats gets all controversial like Ruby...they have 3 (4?) pretty slick booths equipped with 5 flat-screens each which can fit around 6 or 7 comfortably and which can conceivably play any game in the land that's on at that particular point in time. Catch is that they charge by the hour for them. They also have a sick (you'll hear that word a lot around here) viewing room in the upstairs area in the back which is like something out of an episode of cribs where the guy actually owns the place they're showing (shouts out to Smilez & Southstar). Controversial cuz they dare charge for prime seating real estate like this in the LES, but really can you blame them? Though Visceralist is loathe to defend one of Libation's cousins like this, you know that Local 138 is right down the street and Lucky Jacks is right around the corner, so if you're hatin', (GOB voice:) come on!
Neighborhood- hipstery enough to make The Blue Seats seem out of place cuz it attracts too much khaki and not enough denim, but also gentrified enough to make The Blue Seats seem out of place cuz it attracts too much khaki and not enough cashmere. [ed. can we get the Geneva Convention on the line about this metaphor?]
Pretentious/assholes- let's just say that if Visceralist had an AdSense nickel for every time the phrase "it is what it is" is used around this place over the course of an average month, we'd be able to ditch both AdSense & Visceralist and post up on a hammock in St. Lucia till the Mayan calendar resets and makes everything moot.
Cost of Stella- they have it here in draft form and it'll set you back about as much as a Subway $5 foot-long (+tax)...there's a Subway 3.5 blocks south on Ludlow btw. They don't have Stella though.
What time people start showing up - sports o'clock...which is usually about 3 hours before the Michigan Wolverines lose to THE Ohio State University Buckeyes.
Bartender efficiency- if you're seated and actually getting wait-service, you're basically fucked and should prolly sneak in some stuff from Rosario's (they have beef patties and they'll put pepperoni & cheese in them for you if you ask). If you're actually going up to the bar for drinks, you're likely to get someone's attention by waving around a $20 and making noises like Kramer was when he was trying to get Mickey Mantle's attention in some TV show.
Official Website - here. Lil Wayne was talking about The Blue Seats' website when he ad-libbed "Check me out, look..." on the song "Always Strapped."
Food? How late- fuck, finally! Some of the best American-style tapas you'll be able to find in the LES no matter how many stones you turn over or kilts you peek under. Wait, we're talking about Stanton Social, right?
TVs? What's on - yeah, um, think so, um doi doi doi, duh duh, duhhhhhh. Derrrrr. Um, yeah I think a sports bar in New York City would have TVs, um hello?!?!
Guy:girl ratio - needs work.
Toys - knee-slappin, fist-bumpin, bro-hamin, beer-chuggin, Bucks-winnin, bill-payin, cab-callin, cock-yankin, tear-fallin.
Age of clientele - if anyone here is under 27, please join AmeriCorps and/or seek help before it's too late.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist always tries to reserve some space for dancing on the grave of the once-proud Wolverines who we seem to remember at one point actually stood a chance of beating Tressel's troops. But that's about it.
ID Check Procedure - if you're actually underage and try to sneak in here, you deserve everything you get. Yes, all the chips and the dip.
Music medium, style & volume - if it's not a chant you could easily squeeze in between a turnover and a snap, you won't hear it here. So no Kid Cudi.
Specials or most popular drink- this isn't really a happy-hour type place, but they do have $0.25 wing nights pretty regularly. Check their sick-ass website for more.
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Cake Shop

152 Ludlow St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 252-0036

Bathroom situation- in a words: surprisingly paltry. They only have one single-use honey-drop on the street level, and it's bus' down like Shaq's knees [ed. and that mug's still making more than Bron Bron this year...smh]. They have a Dude's & Dudette's downstairs, but since that's where their stage is, you'll usually have to come out your pocket to use them. Smfh.
Takes credit cards?- Though Visceralist definitely recalls having left our corporate card here overnight one time and came back the next day all grateful when it turned up in their lost-n-found [ed. not grateful enough to leave a tip though, according to the expense report. smh], they appurrntly no longer take cards here. So unroll them bills, mayne...
Crowded on weekends?- yes, but the street level is usually not terribly painful given that there'll be PLENTY of room in the back area where they still try to sell some kind of physical, analog musical conveyance that doesn't have any usb interface or nothin' like that there. As for the downstairs area...you know that scene in Kubrick's "The Shining" where the elevator doors open and blood pours out like 2 feet deep? No, never seen it? Ok, well just imagine something like that, but replace the blood with sweat and Beacon's Closet receipts and that basically sums up the downstairs "venue" space.
Seating- street level has a few stools and 4 or 5 tables, plus they prolly wouldn't mind if you sat your dumps right down on the record racks in the back, cuz it's not like they're gonna be making any money off them like ever [ed. never ever]. Downstairs has a couple stools and a few couches like you'd find during "lesson time" from an old episode of Electric Company or some such.
Neighborhood- 1 hop + 1 skip away from famed LES nightspot Libation, whose velvet rope no Cake Shopper would make it past even if they gave it the bum's rush in a bodysuit made of H1N1 & Lyme's disease.
Pretentious/assholes- Visceralist had an experience here in which some trick-ass mark tried to cut in the front of the upstairs bathroom line cuz he "had to go really really bad." And then the rest of the night went really really bad for him.
Cost of Stella - a rote $6, but they only have it in those glass bottles you often see beer come in.
What time people start showing up- well, they serve food here plus they sell records [ed. pssht], so folk dawdle in and loiter out basically throughout the day.
Bartender efficiency- the downstairs bar usually has two bartenders on busy nights, but there's still a good chance you'll be struggling to make eye contact and then reaching over a person or two to exchange unrolled dollar bills for booze. Your best bet: waving your arms wildly and screaming "Hey! Heyyyy!" until the needle on the (unpurchased) record skips and the whole place goes silent and everyone turns to glare at you.
Official Website - here. Visceralist can't even stunt on this cuz it's actually quite well organized, colorful and extremely band-friendly (clear contact info for booking + a list of equipment available...a rarity).
Food? How late- Visceralist is a carnivore to the nth, repeating ("Yes, we'll have the Scotch Egg with the bacon au jus.") so something about the vegan-delightful vibe of the cafe here just plain rubs us sideways. Plus, um, hello...there's a recession going, so how often are we really throwing out our day-old pastries, people? Think on it.
TVs? What's on - closest you might get is some kind of TV on the Radio side-project.
Guy:girl ratio- one of the Real Housewives of NYC came here one time cuz she heard The Bravery were gonna do a secret MySpace show that was sponsored by Sparks & American Apparel. With photos by The Cobra Snake. Didn't pan out...
Toys - whipping old records at Chuck Klosterman's stupid glasses.
Age of clientele - let's just say that most folks here will totes understand why Bronson Pinchot's recent AV Club interview was so damn brolic.
Space for dancing? - well, this isn't really that type of place. But on the plus side, it's also not the type of place where you're likely to get your ass gaffled in a sweaty mosh pit.
ID Check Procedure- kissy faces, blush & eye-lash batting ain't a gonna work here. On the other hand, it might...Visceralist has never really been here.
Music medium, style & volume - j/k...Visceralist caught MGMT here back in early '08 before they blew up the fuck. And, get this, they didn't even do "Kids"...or as the meathead in the audience called it, "Play Control Yourself!"
Specials or most popular drink - PG Tips.
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Lil Wayne - No Ceilings (mixtape)

Sheeit...Wayne came back and unleashed that gotdammit on 'em. (here, via Nah Right)

Marshall Stack

66 Rivington St (NW corner of Allen)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 228-4667

Bathroom situation - three in the back, then hang a left. One for ladies, one for gentlemen, one for the lonely souls. The walls in the men's room are wallpapered with images of the particular electrical guitar amplifier advertised in the title of this post (this is presumably the case in the women's as well...commenters, c'est vrai?). Confusingly, this interior design decision belies the wannabe-upscale vibe that the rest of the bar clearly hopes to engender. C'est meh.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says they do, but in point of fact, they do not do.
Crowded on weekends? - Visceralist doesn't like to preach or use one-syllable words when there exists a pretentious 4-syllable synonym (shouts out to "proselytize"), but it seems apparent that there still exists an "A Sound of Thunder"-esqe niche/market for a bar that can provide the crowd that looks down on Banana Republic but still can't afford Etiquita Negra to feel cool w/o actually having to put in any effort.
Seating - rickety on purpose. They have the standard contingent of stools at the bar, but the tables are like seriously time-warp-teleported from an episode of Mad Men. Re-purposed elementary school desks from 1960's Ossining is what we're getting at. For the win?
Neighborhood - down the street from a barber-shop called Well Connected (who's hours are yeah - yup, Mon - Thurish). But across the other street from The Reed Space, which has some of the best t-shirts this side of triflin-ass alife.
Pretentious/assholes - Appropos of nothing, Visceralist once randomly struck up a conversation here with a curly-haired friend of a friend who for some reason divulged that, though her Banana Republic bf assumed she was a legal secretary at some Wall St. firm, she was actually a "happy ending" masseuse at a Wall St. massage "parlor." She specified that services offered included both hjs & bjs. Despite being college-educated, she justified this by noting that "Monica was just the only one that got caught..." Two questions popped into Visceralist's mind at this point: (a) did she require condoms for the bjs? and (b) how much for a bj w/o a condom? The only response Visceralist could muster in real life, however, was the unfortunately reductive, "God damn...your world is a muthafucka."
Cost of Stella - if you have to ask...
What time people start showing up - from the outside looking in, this spot affects a certain affability in that folks breeze in and out throughout the afternoon most days. HOWEVER. Is it not in fact the case that most folk who grin and get all touchy-feelie at the site of a rack of khaki-colored whatever do not have the best fashionably-late-dar?
Bartender efficiency - don't quote Visceralist on this, but we swear we once saw a bartender in a sweater-vest and tie...all un-ironically like it was all good! Foreheads were be-slapped.
Official Website - the results from a Google search of "Marshall Stack NYC" indicates that they do have a site, but a left-click on the top link puts paid to that boshit.
Food? How late - yes, but gourmand's beware, the "kitchen" consists of whatever a step or two up from a college dorm hot-plate & mini-fridge would be. There's a bodega across the street, so for once just pretend like your Sopranos-loving ass has actually seen The Wire and sneak in some Utz Crab chips.
TVs? What's on - no, but they have candles on some of the tables so study up on the Wikipedia page for shadow puppets before setting out.
Guy:girl ratio - for some reason women tend to think this place isn't the Febreeze'd-up dive bar it really is, and are thus comfortable enough with it to post pics on their Facebook page of Sarah's newly-single "His Loss '09" girl's-nite-out held here.
Toys - a favorite of Visceralist's is listing all the myriad reasons why this place shouldn't be named after an awesome rock amp.
Age of clientele - Visceralist doesn't like to throw around the term "Fuddy Duddy" with abandon, but really...
Space for dancing? - if you've even heard of the movie Black Dynamite (2nd best comedy movie of 2009, btw...In the Loop is the 1st), your dance moves are prolly too good for this place and will likely be misunderstood and feared.
ID Check Procedure - there's an SVA dorm 2 blocks away from Marshall Stack and Visceralist is NOT encouraging them to show up here even though they don't usually have a bouncer.
Music medium, style & volume - the sample from Ghostface Killa's "Cherchez La Ghost" that goes "Tommy Mottola..." is from a band (name not important) who premised their music style as being a pure American style that they believed would've naturally evolved over the 60's-70's had the British Invasion never happened. I know, your first thought is like, "For what?!" And really their only valuable contribution to the music biz is the Ghostface song. Visceralist's point is that, if these artists are still alive, they wouldn't be unhappy with the music here. Meanwhile, Chris Martin thinks The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" is the best song ever written.
Specials or most popular drink - they have 20 beers on tap + another 30ish bottles, which almost certainly outshines any other bar in a 3-block radius, so if you like it then you better put a ring on it.
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Epstein's Bar

82 Stanton St. (NE corner of Allen)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2232

Bathroom situation- two in the back, men's to the left, women's to the right. The men's features a urinal and a stall with swinging Old West saloon doors like they have in Back to the Future Part III. Visceralist has heard that the women's is single-person, but feel free to correct that in the comments if need be.
Takes credit cards? - no, and Visceralist is starting to get sick of this BS (we're looking at you too, Pink Pony). Third-party ATM fees are straight bozack.
Crowded on weekends? - this is a deceptively small bar, and it's in the heart of the LES, so you subtract 9 from both sides and do the rest of the math.
Seating - they do manage to squeeze a grip of tables into their lack of square-footage, and during the warmer seasons they have an extra 4 or 5 tables on the patio, so if you happen to come here when most other people have a parade or beach to go to, you should be able to rest your glutes, rectum & anus.
Neighborhood - right close to the newly-opened Thompson Hotel (Antoine Merriweather voice: Hated it.). Don't expect much spillover though.
Pretentious/assholes - this place tends to attract genuine LES locals (no charge, Neilsen...bust out the clipboards) and because it's so small, most other NYCers won't bother squeezing in.
Cost of Stella - again, they only take cash here, so who knows if they have a set price for Stella? The IRS certainly doesn't. Most likely though, it's $6.
What time people start showing up - the problem with young people today: not enough jobs to keep them from showing up at Epstein's around 8ish most nights.
Bartender efficiency - yikes. Best to look at this through a European filter. Visceralist has never been to Europe (nor does Epstein's really profess to be inspired by European bars), but presumably the service at outdoor bars/cafe's there is really slow too.
Official Website - here. Took a visit here to realize that this establishment actually is named after a certain Sweathog's mother (like any of its clientele would get that). Can't hate on it too hard though cuz it's succinct and has their daily specials menu on every page. Eat a dick up till you hiccup, Hi-Fi's website.
Food? How late - yes, basic bar food menu, but the place is so small that one wonders where the hell they actually cook all this shit up. One assumes the kitchen that's actually perfectly visible from anywhere in the bar.
TVs? What's on - yes and sports. If you're like Visceralist and realize that baseball is boring (shouts out to football, basketball & tennis), you'd do well to avoid this place during the months Sept-Oct.
Guy:girl ratio - leaning towards the penis (no homo).
Toys - flat-screen tvs and yelling.
Age of clientele - as Epstein's is close to the border of the LES, you'll find a good mix of problematic young people today that don't know they're not welcome and the 30 year olds who'll make sure they figure that out asap.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist has seen a number of people bus' a hot Stanky Leg when the trumped-up check arrives at the end of the night. With they broke ass.
Grimeyness - hate to pull a Red Carpet Rivers move, but the cracked and uneven tiles throughout the bar are a dead giveaway.
ID Check Procedure - no bouncer, and the bartender's usually a chick who won't bother carding cuz she's got those "student loans" to pay off and, hey, you do have a $20 in your hand, so...
Music medium, style & volume - jukebox here, but the only thing you'll hear is something that's been synched with the bartender's iSomething. So don't come here acting all bougie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks & dinners till 11pm on Tuesdays. This seems to be the most popular reason for people to be here, but Thursday is guest bartender night, which seems way more potentially fraught with peril and, thus, interesting.
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People Lounge

163 Allen St. (btw Rivington & Stanton)

New York, NY 10002
(212) 254-2668

Bathroom situation - Street level: two in the rear, one with urinals, one without. Both as plain as Jane's plain brain game. Upper level: two single-person units around the corner from the bar, but one seems to be employees-only. The other one is spacious enough for you to bring a friend, and the walls are thick enough that people outside won't be able to eavesdrop on the inevitable argument that erupts when your so-called friend gets all incensed that you asked her to do "that" in there.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but this is exactly the type of place where shit can just come up missing if you happen to accidentally leave it there overnight. Not saying that this typically happens here or that it's intentional when/if it does; really just wanted to use the phrase "come up."
Crowded on weekends? - this is People Lounge's consistent claim to fame. As advertised, there be people. All in your grill.
Seating - this is one of those places that segues from respectable-ish restaurant to loungey-club over the course of the evening so there are a fair number of tables, booths & stools at the bar on the street level. None of this, however, will be available to you if you arrive after 10pm. The upper level is more lounge-sofa oriented, and trust that any stools at the bar will be pushed to the side well before SNL begins broadcasting with their newly-instituted 3 minute delay.
Neighborhood - the stretch of Allen that desperately doesn't want you to notice that they share the block with one of the LES's better housing projects.
Pretentious/assholes - though People Lounge definitely attracts a nerdier crowd than your prototypical LES romper room, it's not without its share of moneyed-up solipsists. These folk, however, will at least wait till they get home before they brag about how they almost poured your own fucking beer all over your whole fucking UniQlo-sourced outfit cuz you were looking over at them too much.
Cost of Stella - apparently if you show up in some nice UniQlo attire and have a receding hairline (oh, btw they don't allow baseball caps in here) you get charged one price, but if you show up in some been there, done that Bloomie's bullshit you get a different, lower price. Rich get richer...
What time people start showing up - the dinner here is allegedly mad decent, so a lot of people come at 8, then mosey on upstairs after getting a box for what's left of their creme brule (that's a metaphor, they don't actually have creme brule here).
Bartender efficiency - even though Visceralist has been here a few times with folks who were friendly with the upstairs bartender, it's still basically a crap shoot. People is almost always too understaffed to adequately handle the weekend crowd, so you'll be better off sneaking in a flask of amaretto.
Official Website - here. Flash'd up like it's going out of style (it is btw, shouts out to HTML 5.0), but pleasantly concise. Plus their Upcoming Events section actually has upcoming events (as opposed to the GWB-era events you see on most LES/EV bar sites these days).
Food? How late - yeah, saw some Satay's or something on their menu.
TVs? What's on - no, so the game of pretend-voiceovers-of-what-that-couple-over-there-is-talking-about is a must.
Guy:girl ratio - 50:50 ish, though you'll sometimes be hard-pressed to tell which is which. "Strong in the face" is a phrase you'll overhear more than once.
Toys - you'll have to make do with cocktail napkins and maraschino cherries.
Age of clientele - the futilely-clinging-to-their-20s set and those who encourage them. And may we add, if the majority of your waking hours during your 20s were spent in a button-up shirt, let them go. You'll fit in much bett[ed. let's just stop there and try to steer clear of the class critiques from here on out, ok?].
Space for dancing? - huzzah, People Lounge's one saving grace. They actually have a "dance floor" on the upper level and the DJ actually plays songs with +120 bpm and syncopation. Granted, it's usually so crowded that inadvertent bumping/grinding is a given, but the dopamine that (for once) is naturally released in your brain after Sean Paul's "Get Busy" fades into Keri Hilson's "Turnin Me On" will more than make up for it.
Grimeyness - mostly Swiffered away.
ID Check Procedure - bouncer out front...even in the cold, so you know he's not in a good mood, and he's checking both men's and cute women's.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ in the upper room on the weekends and at the frequent "networking events" this place hosts. The music is usually "Wait, what?!" loud, but Visceralist is rarely mad at the selection.
Specials or most popular drink - the Purple People Eater - Hypnotic & cranberry juice on the rocks (with a splash of amaretto courtesy of our little secret). J/k, this is really more of a suggestion.
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Destination Bar & Grille

211 Avenue A (NW corner of 13th)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 388-9844

Bathroom situation - one M's and one W's in the back to the right...both single-person and both cute as a button on a tiny blazer on a pomeranian puppy (as the above iPhone photo totally attests).
Takes credit cards? - yes, and with no discernable minimum (tho keep in mind this spot is newish yet, so that could all change once they realize how much their APR goes up when they start accepting a bunch of Rush Cards [ed. damn, inside baseball much?]).
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but for some reason this place seems to attract the tastefully, non-descript cool. The sort who take for a given that Wet Hot American Summer is the funniest movie of the past 10 years.
Seating - two tables by the windows in front, 10 stools at the bar, and a long row of booths on the left which could conceivably accommodate 8 people each.
Neighborhood - Right near the border between Stuyvesant Town and reality.
Pretentious/assholes - the reviews of this place on Yelp are so uniformly positive as to suggest evidence of malfeasance (which Yelp is no stranger to, btw), but try as we might, we here at Visceralist genuinely can't really find too much to shit on here. So this place is actually getting one of our better compliments: the absence of vicious insults [ed. big shouts out to Plan B].
Cost of Stella - yes, $6, but only by the bottle. When asked if they had anything on tap that was like Stella, the bartender answered "Um....I'll have to check..." then quickly ran away and forgot this interaction. To be fair tho, she was really hot and skinny, so that question was fairly sadistic. The bartender who took over her shift later, however, responded that no, they didn't have anything on tap even remotely close to Stella.
What time people start showing up - by 10:30ish it'll be crowded to the point where, if you're sitting at a table or in a booth, you'll likely have to remind your waitress about your orders.
Bartender efficiency - they're about as good at making eye-contact with patrons as you are when you cross paths in the street with that ex you still kinda like and think "damn, what kind of effort would it take to get him/her back? Eehhh, not worth it."
Official Website - here. And web 2.0'd up (174 Twitter followers ftw!). Clean and easy to navigate with all the info you'd need from a bar's website (contact, menu, hours). More of this, please, EV bars.
Food? How late - fuck yeah. This is where the drooling really comes in for this Visceralist. The menu's bacon'd up the fuck plus they have something called Buffalo Chicken Lollipops. What's a diabetes?
TVs? What's on - nah, playboy.
Guy:girl ratio - God, Moby's "Play" may be horribly front-loaded and dude may be a one-trick Seabiscuit, but fuck, it's still got that badonk.
Toys - the amenities in the bathrooms are gonna have to make do...that or anything/one you may bring with you into the bathroom [ed. subtle].
Age of clientele - young-looking 30's [ed. hysterical. Like that exists...]
Space for dancing? - this place attracts the kind of crowd that takes dancing lessons after they hit the age of 22....so, no.
Grimeyness - still got that new-bar smell. Shouts out to diesel Audis.
ID Check Procedure - they're still too brand new to be turning away folks, so...
Music medium, style & volume - if they do play music here, it's negligible. The low-rent-swanky-ambiance is deafening however.
Specials or most popular drink - jello shots are on the menu, come in 4 different flavors and are only $3 each. Now...rap about that!
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Hi-Fi

169 Ave. A (btw 10th & 11th)
New York, NY 10009
(212) 420-8392

Bathroom situation - 3 single-person rooms in the back that suffice extremely adequately. Kinda. The one on the far right is cozy-cramped up and has a red light (this is what's hot in the streets, Hi-Fi?), but is otherwise passable.
Takes credit cards? - Yelp says yes, so yes.
Crowded on weekends? - this spot is exceptional in that, compared to its pilsner-pushing neighbors, it's quite large. Because of this, it rarely gets uncomfortably packt like sardines in a crushed tin box [ed. that song sucks, btw]
Seating - 10ish stools at the bar and a gang of booths & tables on the left and in the back. They generally get occupied early tho, so if you're a short man you'll def want to wear those shoes with the heels (like RDJ here), cuz odds are you will be standing.
Neighborhood - right in the navel of the only section of the EV that actually has decent bars. That would be Avenue A and its tributaries.
Pretentious/assholes - most folks here are about as blase as this review is turning out. [ed. well pep it up then, dammit!]. A flash mob here would probably get ignored like a certain blog editor. [ed. ain't that a bitch]
Cost of Stella - half as much as your mom charges for some head in the Benz, bitch (so, $6 +tip). [ed. there it is! Now we're goin hard on these hoes!]
What time people start showing up - like with most aspects of this bar, a very average 10pm.
Bartender efficiency - fuck what the reviewers on Yelp are going through, Visceralist has never had any problems with having to wait too long for drinks here (and Visceralist is wild impatient in general). Which, btw, why is it that most Yelp reviewers are female?
Official Website - here. Wiggity wack like something from Geocities' hey-day back in the late 90's. BUT! They do have the whole list of albums available on their mp3 jukebox (more on that in a bit).
Food? How late - nope, nope, nope (shakes head no).
TVs? What's on - a couple over the bar, but nothing to fucking twitter @home about [ed. ooh, timely].
Guy:girl ratio - sorry to couch nearly everything in terms of Yelp reviews, but apparently a lot of people think that only hipsters hang out here. In reality, you're only getting your Kmart-Burger King-The Roots bumpin-health insurance-having hipsters here. The real hipsters who really go hard on these hoes only hang out in Carroll Gardens and Bushwick anymore, so fuck it.
Toys - pool table, pinball, buck hunter & a multi-game unit. Quarters and dollar bills is a must.
Age of clientele - let's just say late 20s and move on to the next one (Swizzy!).
Space for dancing? - probably but this is the kind of place where you really don't wanna be the first person to start dancing. The booths have eyes! And twitter accounts: #lamepeopledancinglamelylikereally?
Grimeyness - the lighting is too dim to really get a good sense, but it's not as shady as some of the Pentagon's deals with KBR [ed. ooooohhh dip, you didn't know Visceralist came political, did you?!]
ID Check Procedure - bouncer with the weight of the world written all over his face [ed. oooooh snap, poetical too, bitch!]
Music medium, style & volume - now this is where Hi-Fi really brings the lasagna to the table. They allegedly were the first bar in NYC to have the type of digital jukebox that's now commonplace in most Broham bars in Murrary Hill. We'll give them that, but the problem is that if you pay to play a song at 9pm, you'll likely have to wait til you're leaving by yourself at 12am after getting kicked out for drunkenly putting your arm around the wrong chick's waist and playing the song on your iPhone as you walk home before you hear it. But its library is quite deep. Lots of Ryan Adams and David Bowie.
Specials or most popular drink - 2 for 1 drinks from 4pm - 8pm, but that's no good for most people, so fuck it.
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Mug Lounge

448 E. 13th St (btw 1st & A)
New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357

Bathroom situation - two bisexual closets in between the bar and the "lounge" area. Both are fairly clean, but they have Bounty paper towel rolls there, not like a dispenser. So now you're thinking about how brokeass that is, but they also have candles and framed paintings all up in there too, so now you're like "this must be what the good apartments in the Bronx are like."
Takes credit cards? - yes, but with a savvy $15 min. Savvy when most of the happy hour drinks are $6 each (you do the math).
Crowded on weekends? - hysterical. I was ready to devour this section like the end of the Col. Landa / von Hammersmark scene in Inglorious Basterds...but...it seems kinda un-gentlemanly. This place is so frequently empty as to inspire remiscences of the good ol' days of money-laundering fronts back in late 80's NYC. [ed. that's a bingo!]
Seating - like Mike Vick right after a 2 year bid and at an afterparty at a club in the ATL that notoriously caters to insecure chicks...you'll have your fuckin pick.
Neighborhood - across the street from 13th street's only sick apartment building. You'll be much better off if you somehow find a friend who lives there and go chill on their sectional.
Type of crowd - n/a
Pretentious/assholes - no comment....cuz there's never anyone here, it's sorta like dividing any number by zero. You'll just wind up annoyed and kinda sad.
Cost of Stella - this place's one saving grace is that they have it at the market rate of $6/pint.
What time people start showing up - if people ever show up at this place it'll be because Channel 5 News is covering someone who got noodle-knocked across the street and the camera man and sound guy need a taste in between takes lest they kill themselves.
Bartender efficiency - not sure if Visceralist had a bad experience here once or if it's endemic, but the bitch bartender said they don't make mojitos then put a menu on the bar that listed mojitos. That's just poor.
Official Website - here. They confidently advertise that they have an "event space" where any other respectable bar would call the large section of their continuously-empty square-footage a "tax write-off." That's simple economics, bitches.
Food? How late - they have orange and lemon slices to put in the drinks, but given how crowded this place never gets, they're prolly expired.
TVs? What's on - stop trying to make them feel bad.
Guy:girl ratio - unclear...the bartenders here aren't that cute, so presumably no dude would come here alone. Will have to get back to you.
Toys - most of the couches in the "lounge" area have cushions. That's about all you're getting.
Age of clientele - folks too old to realize that just hanging out near Alphabet City dosn't make you subversive in the least. Plus, all the kids who would bother making fun of you are in the bar a few doors down: Key Bar.
Space for dancing? - Visceralist hates discouraging weaklings from dancing, but seriously if you even try here you are a prime candidate for YouTube or AFV or I don't know what...
Grimeyness - if Bloomberg's maid has a housekeeper...prolly like her house.
ID Check Procedure - "Get your ass in here."
Music medium, style & volume - house music. And yeah, all the bad (puke) connotations.
Specials or most popular drink - on Friday 2 for 1 drinks, but tons of exceptions, so just go to Key Bar.
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Plan B

339 East 10th Street (Btw Ave. A & B) New York, NY 10079
(212) 353-2303

In a kinder world, the Yelp reviews of this shithole would be enough of a drubbing. They're seriously ridic to the point where some dude actually complained in his review about being roofied. But, like the guy who's towards the end of the line in a train-runnin and says to himself, "eh, might as well...I mean, this is what I came here for, right?" Visceralist just had to go in...

Bathroom situation - two in the back, but don't worry about their condition cuz you won't be able to to reach either of them thanks to the impenetrability of the vacuum-compression that takes place in the "dance-floor" which separates you from the bathrooms at all times. Colostomies & catheters is a must.
Takes credit cards? - yes, but don't expect the poor bartenders here to be able to hear you indicate which card is yours over the din of folks screaming along to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (which Visceralist likes, incidentally).
Crowded on weekends? - (Desmond voice) You must be joking brotha. (/Desmond voice) If we may be so bold as to be genuine for a moment, this is really where Plan B just totally loses the plot. From the second you step inside to the second you leave (hopefully within the same minute), you'll involuntarily be nuts to butts (or, for the ladies, cunts to butts) with the sweaty scum of New York City. They have a bouncer, so they could conceivably manage this a bit better, but it was even like this well before The Great Recession, so the management is definitely to blame.
Seating - you will not.
Neighborhood - you know that scene in "KIDS" where the protagonists beat the shit out of that kid in Tompkins Sq. park? Well that took place right across the street from this place back in the 90s and in some ways Visceralist wishes the "crusties" who live there now would somehow recreate that inside of Plan B instead of toasting to GG Allin with box-wine all night long [ed. crusties? You're watching KIDS too much, grandad.].
Type of crowd - New Yorkers who are usually too young (and in some cases, too smart & savvy) to actually be up in here like it's all good.
Pretentious/assholes - you know that young German soldier in Inglorious Basterds who comes off all "aww-shucks" and charming in the beginning, but gets all date-rapey towards the end? Oh spoiler alert, btw.
Cost of Stella - Visceralist will be damned if we ever sully Stella's beautiful reputation by associating them with this glorified frat hazing.
What time people start showing up - oh, people leave this place?
Bartender efficiency - in some ways Visceralist can't blame the bartenders here for their slowness...a lot of people here just have to get really drunk before they'll deign fuck someone who lists their favorite kind of music as "all different kinds." But on the other hand, most of the bartenders here are really good looking, so we're just instinctively jealous. :p
Official Website - here. They have a flyer up advertising a party from 8/6/09 and most of the candid photos are from 2004/2005. Visceralist can't blame bars for being so lazy when most of the other websites for bars in the neighborhood exhibit the same kind of complacence. But still...really?
Food? How late - no, but if they did have it, it would take so long for it to get to you that you'd already be in bed, awake the next morning and asking yourself exactly which Duane Reade to go to to avoid bumping into people you might know while you wait in line for the real Plan B. [ed. FYI, it costs $50]
TVs? What's on - don't think so.
Guy:girl ratio - possibly the only reason this place is still popular...the ratio is fairly even because of the same principle that let GWB get elected twice. Other people have said they're into it, so it must be decent, right?
Toys - for some guys here, grabbing the oblivious ass or tit that passes by in the hustle & bustle to get to the bathroom.
Age of clientele - old enough to know better, really now.
Space for dancing? - Not at all, but that stops no one. This is the secondary flaw with this place. The dance floor on most nights consumes the entirety of the square-footage to the point where it's just blech, blech, ugh, god, ugh, puke puke. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit [ed. you degenerate].
Grimeyness - Eh, not that bad.
ID Check Procedure - it's not so much an ID check at the door as much as it's a "who you wit?" check. It seems like 90% of this place's clientele is here for Emma or Erik's bday party anyway, so if you're actually coming here just to chill, then you're not coming in here.
Music medium, style & volume - the quintessential Top 40 playlist...not a bad thing as long as Timbaland's done something interesting lately.
Specials or most popular drink - despite what Yelp says, they apparently are 50% everything from 5-10pm.
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The Whiskey Ward

121 Essex St (btw Rivington & Delancey St.)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 477-2998

Bathroom situation - two in the back, both unisex. The one in the back is much roomier, but Visceralist has heard rumors that the mirror in there is two-way. Again, these are just rumors. So that's not actually libel.
Takes credit cards? - yes, for like a $22 min. Something we overheard the bartender say to some button-ups some night who clearly weren't gonna protest that.
Crowded on weekends? - yes, but with folks who don't know any better, so they'll actually say "Excuse me" instead of "I will fuckin slap the color out your damn face if you dont..." if you bump into them.
Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, plus two or three tables to the left, but really there's so much open-air here, you'll want to stand around and quorum.
Neighborhood - literally the armpit of the LES...in every fucking possible fucking way.
Type of crowd - If you have more than one button in your whole outfit, kill yourself.
Pretentious/assholes - the crowd here isn't cool enough to be pretentious. So don't worry Midwest, no one's gonna call you out your name about your damn Gap shit.
Cost of Stella -no esta aqui.
What time people start showing up - on the earlier side, like 8-9ish. The folks here have double chins that they accidentally dip in the weak sauce.
Bartender efficiency - if a fuck ignores a cunt in an uncool part of the LES, does it make a fuckin noise?
Official Website - here. Pedestrian. BTW, William F. Buckley is a boring cunt whose philosophy was mostly wrong.
Food? How late - no kitchen here. You're better off encouraging the pre-60's feminine instincts your gf might be feeling if she watches a lot of Mad Men.
TVs? What's on - Da Bears....
Guy:girl ratio - not that great. The decor here acts as a colander for any hot chicks who are actually aware that they're hot. But what's left...a lot of exes.
Toys - pool table which people with necks will mostly try to not make eye contact with as they walk by it to the bathrooms.
Age of clientele - they'll never admit it, but mostly folks whose first experience with Lil' Wayne was the outro to "Back Dat Azz Up."
Space for dancing? - If you're reading this, you don't want none of this.
Grimeyness - you'll get over it.
ID Check Procedure - laughable (laudable?).
Music medium, style & volume - If you've ever complained about Justin Timberlake, welcome home.
Specials or most popular drink - "Whyskey Flights"...you're either in good company or on your own, B.
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Key Bar

432 E. 13th St. (btw 1st & Ave A)

New York, NY 10009
(212) 4783021

Specials or most popular drink - had to move this category to the top cuz this is where Key Bar shines like the barrel of a biscuit. 2 for 1 on all drinks from 5-10pm. No other decent bar in the vicinity keeps their happyhour this fuckin gully. Most of the mixed drinks are in the $10-$12 range, but they're essentially half-off til 10, so...also, they're known for their Lychee Martini, which will fuck you up worse than you'd be if your given name was Dick (not Richard).
Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex drops in the back to the right of the bar. They keep the plungers in them for a reason, which is downright unfortunate, but otherwise they're fairly innocuous. If you have the option, grab the first one (with the sliding door) cuz it's about twice the size of the other one, with a bigger, cleaner mirror. In fact, it's prolly big enough to fit more than one person at a time.
Takes credit cards? - yes, $20 min. With the happy hour in effect, could take a while to reach this.
Crowded on weekends? - yeah, that brings us to the "thing" about this place...it's about the size of the interior of a Camry. If the HR dept of any moderately-sized company books a going-away-party here, forget about it. Won't be worth it unless you genuinely want to wish Carol good luck with her future as a NYC Teaching Fellow (won't help). Or if you're trying to get with her cuter friend Nancy.
Seating - 7 or 8 stools at the bar, 5 lounge couches w/ tables. Moot point, cuz you'll be standing. Cuz there's no seats.
Neighborhood - across the street from one of the freshest non-NYU apt buildings in the East Village. This bar is the only thing open on the whole block after 10pm tho, so if you brought a trenchcoat, pop that collar [ed. (slaps forehead)...really? That's the punchline? You better knock it out the damn park with the next one or you're done here.]
Type of crowd - whiff... [ed. ok...now watch this]
Pretentious/assholes - let's just say that most of the crowd prefer's Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" to the clearly superior "Ecstacy" by jj.
Cost of Stella -$6, but comes with an additional free Stella til 10:00pm.
What time people start showing up - Visceralist got here at 7:15pm one time for a party that was listed as starting at 7:00pm. Needless to say, Visceralist was disgustingly, wrist-slittingly early for this party, but the place was still reasonably fullish...
Bartender efficiency - two bartenders, but they get it the fuck in. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Official Website - here. The intro page had a listing of browser requirements (like seriously, more than one), so Visceralist made it no further.
Food? How late - they have peach cider here, which tastes like a shit sandwich, so that might count.
TVs? What's on - nope, so better bring your iPhones with the YouTube clips from "In the Loop" pre-loaded.
Guy:girl ratio - you'll manage.
Toys - there's a DJ booth in the back, so most people here entertain themselves with a round or two of the ol' "Hey, could you play..." To be fair though, the DJ always loses...
Age of clientele - mostly folks on their 4th or 5th 30th bday.
Space for dancing? - Oddly, yes. The center of the room tends to get to moshin' at the slightest hint of "Come on Eileen."
Grimeyness - the happy hour will keep you hazy enough to where this is a non-issue. Like how idiots obfuscate the healthcare debate with hysterical hyberbole.
ID Check Procedure - please, homey. If you've even heard of the movie "New Jack City" you'll get in.
Music medium, style & volume - DJ's choice. Not too loud that you'll have to repeat the lie that you're actually still technically employed as a consultant.
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